Monday 28 February 2005

Garlic Extra!
Bush Launches No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind; Hundreds To Be Laid Off In FDA Reorg

Food and Drug Administration officials will be notified today by the Bush Administration to begin implementing the new policy of 'No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind'.

Score of hundreds of FDA employees, from executives, administrators and inspectors will either be put into early retirement, or laid off, according to a statement released by Department of Health & Human Services Secretary Michael O. Leavitt.

A White House source indicated, after last week's controversal FDA vote on the continuation of marketing of the huge-selling pain pills Celebrex, Bextra and Vioxx, the No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy was acelerated and, according to the source, the President himself ordered the immediate implementation.

The No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy will substantially reorganize the FDA, with some executives and administrators being moved to other government offices, leaving hundreds, including inspectors to be laid off. The plan offers those laid off to put a portion of their unemployment benefits into a private savings account.

The vote to continue with the marketing of these drugs has come under fire as 10 of the 32 government drug advisors voting, have also been receiving money and/or grants from these same pharmaceutical companies.

The new No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy will forgo the cumbersome and lengthy clinical trials, burdening the pharmaceutical industry with billions in research and development costs. No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind will allow the companies to register their new drugs with the FDA and begin marketing them immediately. There will be an undisclosed fee for such registration.

Said the White House insider;

"The strategy is a lot like what Ford did with the Pinto back in the seventies … It will be significantly cheaper for the pharma's to deal with any lawsuits if something happens …"



Sirius To Broadcast NASCAR, Other Major Visual Events

In an effort to stay the pace with competitor XM Radio, Sirius Satellite Radio Inc announced they will begin broadcasting NASCAR racing in 2007, as part of a package of new events.

Sirius also announced a number of additional new programming, including art museum show openings, rare stamp collections and
beauty pagents.

Said one Sirius official; "It'll play great on our system … Primo CD-quality audio and we'll have great announcers … It will be better than being there"




New Ken Burns Follow-Up To Baseball; Spotlight On Steroids

Ken Burns, the critically acclaimed independent documentary filmmaker will begin shooting a 200-Hour PBS special, a follow-up on his 1994 Baseball, which over 45-million tuned into, and focusing on the growing steroid controversy

"I had a vision of slowing fading in to a blossoming poppy field, like 10-15-minutes of just observing their innocent beauty and, as we reach a poppy flower, we continue to zoom in and then disolve to a baseball - whack - flying off the end on a bat and sailing, majestically, into the stands at Yankee Stadium … I'll have either Philip Glass or Wynton Marsalis do the music for this section … It will be compelling …"

Burns, whose credits include the Brooklyn Bridge, Frank Lloyd Wright, Lewis and Clark, Jazz and many more, was asked about the proposed length. His 1994 Baseball was only 18-1/2 hours.

"We're going to trace all the drugs used in baseball, from the earliest days, both the team-dispensed drugs, as well as the recreational one's used by the players separate from the game … It's a rather substantial record …"

Burns plans to use many of the narrators used in his previous projects, including the late Stephen Ambrose.

"He has such a great voice … intonation … Plus, he did so many television projects, we can basically cut-and-edit him to be saying anything we want … Whether it's true or not … A lot like his writing …"